The Monocle Review

First, some background.

I love funny reviews. Plop me in front of a solid list of odd-ball, mis-fire, indignant reviews, and I’ll sit there and laugh and laugh and laugh.

Some writing friends and I were talking about online glasses and contact retailers and a perfect, beautiful review popped into my head. I wrote it down, complete with the typical internet-favored disregard for grammar and punctuation rules, and now I present to you the latest in flash fiction: the monocle review.


So, I go to my optometrist and I’m like, hey, this time instead of glasses I’d rather get two monocles and they look at me like I’M THE CRAZY ONE and after a second they’re like sorry your insurance doesn’t cover that. I tell them I’m ready to pay, bags of cash in the trunk of my car and all, if they’d just kindly show me their monocle inventory and I’ll pay for them myself. So then, they’re like, well, this is awkward, but we stopped carrying monocles. Fifty-three years ago. And I’m like, BUT THIS IS AN EYE CARE CENTER! What kind of eye care center is so backward! So behind the times! Can you think of anything more discriminatory against the already suffering one-eyed population than that. I mean, I have two eyes, but still, that seems awfully prejudiced. So I’m like fine. Fine. You can keep your two-lensed elitist frames, I can take my business elsewhere.

And then this other guy who works there is like, wait don’t go. I’ll cut some glasses frames in half for you. And I’m like, good sir, if I WANTED half-glasses I’d have ASKED for half-glasses. But I asked for two monocles. No, I’d rather take my business online.

So I left and went to the 1-800-monocle website and they had a wide selection of all the latest gold rimmed and half moon and transition lens and blue light and all the possible types of up-grades—anti scratch, polarized, you name it—for monocles! PLUS, they send you your choice of gold chain or masquerade stick style attachment for FREE regardless of your insurance and no sawing frames in half. So yes, I will be using 1-800-monocle from here on out for all my monocular needs. I give them 10/10 and recommend them to everyone now. 

They even sent me $200 for passing GO when I got my monocle pair. My good friends at 1-800-monocle, you have got yourself a client for life.

—M.M.

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