Category: Humorous Poems

Poems of irony, sarcasm, and wit

Blue

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Blue

 

Old Levi neglected to say,

In hopes of increasing his pay,

That once they get wet,

You bet you can bet,

Your jeans will be soaking all day.

 

-M.M.

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Google Translate Sings the National Anthem

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I sent the words to “The Star-Spangled Banner”, the national anthem of the United States, through a bunch of languages in Google Translate and then back to English. The result was . . . unique.

Google Translate Sings “The Star Spangled Banner”

Aha! You say

in the light of the aurora.

See your sunset!

Bands of light and dramatic confrontation.

Today we are looking

 at the wall.

A bomb exploded at a red light.

However,

it is consistent.

Bud, Stars, and Stripes.

This port

is home

to thousands

of Courage.

-M.M.

True Love

Llama Love

True Love

 

“You want to do WHAT?”

“Marry him.”

“But… he’s fictional—”

“And perfect.

“And I wrote him into existence.”

Romantic, isn’t it. I just can’t wait to—”

“BUT HE’S NOT REAL.”

“So what?”

“So what what? Are you going to put the book on the altar and…”

“Yes. Won’t it be wonderful: I now pronounce you book and wife. You may now kiss the book.

“You’re unwell. I ought to call the—”

“Oh hush up. It’s true love. Don’t be jealous.”

“Jealous? I’ll try really hard.”

“You never were much of a Romantic.”

“That’s why I write about friendly, dignified, personified…”

“…DREAMY! Don’t forget to dreamy.”

dreamy, and apparently attractive llamas!”

 -M.M.

Looks Like a Pretzel

pretzel

Looks Like a Pretzel

 

He told me it looks like a pretzel, but isn’t.

But isn’t? What looks like a pretzel but isn’t?

A tangle of noodles? The Gordian knot?

A piece of pastrami that’s twisted a lot?

Infinity, broken and drooping? A sin?

The handles of scissors? A pretzel-shaped pin?

The shape of an ear if you squint your left eye

and turn your head sideways? A smile in the sky?

A shredded umbrella? The orange of a peel?

(Or peel of an orange if you get what I feel.)

Two italicized e’s with a mirror between?

The path of a shirt in a washing machine?

The wires in your brain? The shape of your heart?

A crumpled up dumpster posing as art?

He told me it looks like a pretzel, but isn’t.

But isn’t? Let’s just say it doesn’t.

-M.M.

Top Secret

envelope

Top Secret

 

On this night is come to you,

Packaged up with care,

Enveloped here,

Nice and clear,

Messages for you.

 

Exactly what? You want to know,

Can I have to say?

A secret note.

Read what I wrote.

Eventually you will know.

 

Folded, hidden, secretly

Underneath these lines.

Lines that hide,

Lo, I tried…

You should read me vertically.

-M.M.

This is Revolution

revolution

 

This is Revolution

 

It’s time we stood up

to all those naysayers

who sit down.

Tell me who’s right:

the peanut butter or the jelly?

Lobsters! All of them.

Snapping like overstrung rubber-bands.

Guess what? It’s time to show them

who’s got the best aim with a rubber-band.

Pour on that vitamin D.

Drown them in sunlight so deep

they’ll be screaming “Trix are for kids”

before they ever fall asleep.

And when they do, they better pray,

pray we brought our erasers,

‘cause I can draw a smiley face

in permanent ink on a cardboard box

shorter than any of you.

Are you with me?

Shout it out: WE ARE NOT UNFREIGHTED!

Take your thumbtack to the world

And sing the song of freedom.

Staple it to the ground.

Remember: A gourd well-grown is a soup in the fire.

Love this like tinfoil;

Let it broil,

and when it’s cooked,

smell the grass

and know that

you

were

 

This is Revolution.

-M.M.